MY OCD EXPERIENCE

Arem Bolalin

It is already during my college days when I started to encounter the word “OCD”. Because of social media, which happens to expose almost everything, I became aware about it. Perfectionism—many people say that OCD is just a complex term, but same context with being a perfectionist. This is when I started labeling myself as a person with OCD.

Even before, I already have those so-called “rituals” but since I don’t have any idea about the concept of OCD yet, I think of it as just normal part of everyday living. Also, maybe I don’t find it distracting before because it started mildly. Even until now, I guess it’s still not that severe unlike the case of others.

When i was younger, I used to play words repeatedly in my mind to feel assured about certain things. In malls, while we walk, I try my very best not to step on the lines of tiles. I get irritated with people who walks bare-footed. All my things in my bag or in my room must be properly arranged, and i get stressed out easily when things don’t go the way i want it. The reason why? I still don’t know. It just feels right. It seems unreasonable, and sometimes i still don’t know why i keep on doing such things. I can’t help but obey what my brain tells me so.

“It’s like someone else has control of your brain. Like you’re being forced to do an endless number of completely random, pointless tasks you don’t want to do. It’s so exhausting and emotionally-draining—like your brain needs an off-switch.” It’s so annoying to hear people say, “you are juts over-reacting to everything.” There are also others who say that to be an OCD person is a nice thing, many people also wants to have their rooms clean. I guess that kind of statements are unacceptable.

The society seem to view OCD and other mental illnesses as a “cute trait”, or as a simple matter that can be joked around. It may be visually calm, but you don’t have any idea what kind of nightmare we have on mind. You don’t see what’s in the head of OCD people. OCD is more than just being orderly. It’s more than just being neat. It’s more than just craving for perfection.

“OCD is like having a bully inside your head and nobody else can see it.” I always have a hard time doing my homeworks because I can never start unless my laptop is perfectly aligned in the table. I get mad when it’s not perfect, it stresses me a lot. People don’t know how mentally and emotionally-draining it is to like have someone in your brain commanding you what to do, feel, and react.

OCD people have their own definition of perfection. It depends on how they want it. It comes to the point where i argued with a person, imposing that my opinion is the right one and that they should agree with it or else, it’s a fight.

I’ve also read an article that people with OCD tend to keep things even it’s a trash just because they cannot discard it. I can relate to that, but to a more complex situation, it’s not just things a have a hard time letting go. Same with people. I cannot easily cope up with loss. I know it’s not just me who experiences it, but i think it’s severe on my case. I don’t know, i just don’t like the idea of separation or losing things and people, badly.

OC person also have higher standards unlike other people. Sometimes it goes up to the extent that their standards seem unrealistic. Unreachable. It must be like this or like that, there’s no in-between.

There are many more things to describe how OCD brings storm in people’s mental health. What’s important is to realize that OCD isn’t something we can romanticize or take as a joke. Mental disorder is never funny. We must always give mentally struggling people the right treatment they need.